I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
