just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
