I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
