I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
