I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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