I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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