im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Vodka?
Forever.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
