my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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