Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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