Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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