Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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