I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
