At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize