Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
