Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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