It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
