I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
