you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
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hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
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My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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