i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
