i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
