can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
