It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
