I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
