He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
