there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
