cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So squirting runs in the family.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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