I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
