What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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