they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
