The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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