Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
my being single is dangerous.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
