Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
