I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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