I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
