Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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