Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
