He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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