My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
