her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
