soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
