Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
