forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
