Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
