3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
