god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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