It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
