how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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