yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
