kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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