I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
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Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
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Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My feet surprised me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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