hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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