i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize