come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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