I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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