Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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