there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
